Pretender

In college I always marvelled at the people who could talk about and present their work with confidence. I just couldn’t do it. I’d feel myself fizzling out as I talked. I couldn’t put any worthy confidence behind my work. So I felt, that because I couldn’t explain myself, that my art was useless.

It has taken me 54 years to stop the little voices in my head. They still whisper in my ear quietly hoping to bypass by filter but I feel I’ve crossed into a new mindset. I’m more enlightened so to speak. For many years I bombarded my brain with talk such as ‘he thinks you’re so amateur’. They are all better than me. Even when I was in N.C.A.D. I felt like a pretender and when I did the course in London’s Central St. Martins I was very quiet as I thought they’d figure out that I didn’t belong. But I was the only person who thought I didn’t belong by my feelings of worthlessness.

The 30 day challenge made me ignore the voices in my head and made me not be too precious about what I had done.I don’t know what has changed but I think it is just doing it, just getting on with it has made me appreciate my talent anew.

With this in mind I continue with my self portrait project as an exercise in self appreciation. 

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